On Music and Spirituality

ON MUSIC AND SPIRITUALITY

My parents have always been in the habit of playing Christian music in the house. I grew up listening to my mum singing hymns like Amazing Grace (she sings quite well -- she must've decided that a gentle operatic voice was the way to go) and my dad whistling the same hymns (he doesn't whistle so well). Somewhere down the line, it became Don Moen, Hillsongs, and -- I kid you not -- Sun Ho from the City Harvest Church. Music was always about reaching God, praising God. It was never about sex, bling, or hittin' dat ass.

Of course, I have left the church (it has been eleven years now), so my relationship with music HAS changed. But that element of spirituality in music is something that I will always cherish. In church, once I got into that whole Christian-y thing, I always preferred the sound and intimacy of small (cell) group worship, instead of the large mega-church thing. It felt like there was something fake and contrived in a large ensemble playing note-perfect music that I associate most with the word SANITISED. It always felt like if you wanted to approach God, one should do it naked (metaphorically). Which was why, in a group of 10 or so, the out-of-tune, sometimes out-of-sync singing was so precious. When we did not put our hearts into it, you could hear it immediately. If we were thinking about lunch, or about how bored we were, you could hear and FEEL it immediately. But once everyone put their hearts into it, wow. The sound would just be a vehicle for something greater -- that sense of wondrous spirituality, which sometimes you can find in church (it's true, don't gawk at that sentence).

So now I find myself quite firmly in the non-Christian world (even though I read the bible with surprising regularity). Music has simultaneously become a vehicle for so much more and so much less. It was a beautiful moment when I discovered that music could be a vehicle for anger (FUCK THE WORLD FOR ALL IT'S WORTH, EVERY INCH OF PLANET EARTH, FUCK MYSELF DON'T LEAVE ME OUT -- Pantera). I've had a series of other beautiful moments since then, some of which I experienced with the many bands I've had over the years.

But somewhere along my journey, I lost sight of much of the beauty and spirituality that music had to offer. For awhile, it was all LET'S GET A MILLION PLAYS ON MYSPACE (heheh, remember that?) and LET'S GIG AND GIG, MORE AND MORE, BIGGER AND BIGGER. Well, fuck that.
In a way, I've been forced into appreciating again the spiritual aspect of music -- the kind of music I play now, it would be almost impossible for me to get a million plays on myspace. But I'm thankful for the opportunity. I have to confess, I lost a little bit of passion for my own music because I wasn't connected to that element of spirituality as strongly as I had before.

Recently, I was hanging out at an ex-bandmate's house, and my energy levels were a bit low because of the horrible heat. He had to run an errand, and I took the chance to sing a few songs with his guitar. When he returned, he said, "Wah, your energy level now so high ah." (Why do I remember what Roman [a Russian living in Singapore] says in Singlish?) THAT is exactly what music means, and should mean, to musicians. A drug, a spiritual practice, something that makes life BETTER.

And perhaps, if I overreach myself, I'll repeat what I said to someone recently. He asked, "Why do you play music, what plans do you have?" My reply: I want to touch God with my music -- even if I don't believe in him.